Some of the jokes and pictures sent to Steve

Sometime Saturday while Secretary of State Colin Powell was at the UN, an Iraqi television reporter asked him a "smart-ass" question and Powell, without missing a beat, gave the following answer and left him speechless.

"Mr. Secretary, isn't it true that only about 13% of all Americans under the age of 25 know where Iraq is on a map?"

"Yes, that's true - but unfortunately for you - they're all Marines."

(This is a good joke, nuthin' more)

Leno

· Well, the big news today of course in politics, Dick Cheney announced he has agreed to be President Bush’s running mate once again in 2004. He made the announcement yesterday when he was riding in Ambulance One.

· In fact he’s got a new campaign slogan: "No chest pain, no gain."

· Yeah, he said he wants four more years, which is pretty good. Unfortunately, his doctors are only giving him two more years.

What's in a name

Since history began, the Chinese always believed in the significance of one's name. They have developed a very comprehensive system of naming one's children as it is believed that the name of a person strongly influences one's destiny and fate. Astrologers, fortune tellers, academics and monks are consulted when choosing a name for the new born. Most other cultures, however do not really believe in it and tend to brush it off as superstition. Whether you believe it or not, however, the other cultures are not spared of this correlation.

One very good example is Lee Iacocca, whose name
IACOCCA stands for :

I
Am
Chairman
Of
Chrysler
Corporation
America

coincidence?..........

Look at the following familiar examples.

Bush stands for :

Beat
Up
Saddam
Hussein !

Clinton stands for :

Call
Lewinsky,
I
Need
The
Oral
Now !

However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming

Osama stands for :

Oh
Shit,
American
Missiles
Again!

With all these, you better believe in the 5000 year old Chinese culture and make sure you choose a good name for your children.

News is in that the Taliban are extremely offended by being called "towel heads". We have been informed that they do NOT wear towels on their heads. They wear sheets. In the future please refer to them as "sheet heads".
Letterman

· In Iraq today they found a rolling terror lab on wheels. Or, as we call it back here – Dominos.

· Yesterday in Washington the announcement was made that Dick Cheney will run once again for vice president. He says that he is healthy and has a doctor with him 24 hours a day. Well, that’s a sign of a healthy man.

Attorney General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation, he announces, "All right, boys and girls, you can all ask me questions now."

A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:

How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions."

A young girl raises her hand and says, "I have five questions:
How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"
Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?
Where's Bobby?"

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

**************

Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan full of old! oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total -- $4615.00

But at least you know the job was done right!